11/16/2012

The hardest part is pretending that everything is alright. Keeping up a brave face, not only for others but for myself. I am the great pretender.

I can't help think that it was me. I was not enough. Even if I gave my all, it was just not enough. I thought that if I prayed hard enough that God would hear me and it would be a happy ending. I mistook the signs, I suppose. I thought God was telling me to hold on because he is my destiny. It turns out that maybe God was just humoring me. I am not mad at God. Who am I to be picked on, to be tortured, to even be given notice by such a powerful being? I am a nobody. I am worthless. It took a while for him to figure it out. But at least he doesn't have to live with such a pretender anymore. I hate myself right now.

If I was prettier, richer or smarter maybe he would have married me a long time ago. I am nothing. So maybe I deserve to be left behind and to be discarded like this. To live alone and unloved.

Yes, I am writing mad, mad at myself. It just wasn't meant to be. I am crying for the kisses and hugs that will never be. I am in pain for the happiness that we will never get to share. I am sad because it had to end like this.

Actually this is the kindest ending that I could ever hope for. No dramatic speeches and no promises that will never be fulfilled. Just a goodbye with no turning back.

I am in a funk. I honestly hate hearing abut good wishes for my future right now. Please do not patronize me. I got dumped so that means I am the worthless one. Let's be clear about that. I know people feel sorry for me and they only want me to feel better about the future. But I don't see a future for me. I know deep in my heart that there is something for me at the end of this tunnel of depression. I have lost my faith, or at least I am beginning to. I still pray the rosary everyday. before I prayed for those I loved and I prayed for him. Now I pray that my heart heals. I just don't want to cry anymore. I don't want to feel anymore. I don't want to love anymore if in the end they all just leave me. Mio, Dutchie and him - I loved them all and look where it got me. Heartbroken, alone, unloved, miserable and in emotional hell every single day. Even the happy memories are like poison because I know that I'll never have them again. It's just too painful. I don't know if I can survive this.

God is still my refuge. I don't want to know the future anymore. I just get disappointed.