It's been a week since he left me and things are at a stand still. I don't wail my anguish anymore. And I keep a brave face everyday going to work and in front of my parents. I think I am still in shock about it all. There were small signs that something major was going to happen in my life but I never thought it was this. Our last day together was a happy one that's why it pains me to suddenly be left alone like this. He didn't give me a chance to even say that I love him or give a suggestion to overcome his situation. It's so painful to accept that he didn't love me enough to find a way where we could be together and still achieve his goals. Or he could have just said that so I wouldn't find out about his infidelity.
Right now, I'm supposed to be taking care of myself. And I have been spoiling myself terribly. I buy whatever I want like shoes, clothes and books galore! I've been doing everything to forget him. My main comforts are reading my books and sleeping. Sleep comes by easy these past days. I wish I could just sleep and then wake up without any feelings for him. That's the worst part in all of this break up - I still love him. I don't want to love him anymore because he just gave me up so easily that he doesn't deserve to be with me. I'm at the stage of self-pity. My friends hate me for thinking about myself like this but it is expected. I mean, he left me so it means I'm the worthless one. I am the one lacking. I don't care if he said he was doing it for this career. The mere fact that he let go of all the dreams we had together and all of the love I had for him means I wasn't enough. It sucks but I have to accept it.
I watched the Dog Whisperer the other day. Cesar Milan said, "God gives us what we need and not what we want." I've always believed in that saying. But in light of my current situation, I really have to ask God what it is the I need right now. I've tried to do the right thing most of the time, I am respectful of other's situation and I give what I can to make everyone happy. What is the lesson that God wants me to learn from this heartbreak? I cannot see it. I cannot see this painful thing in my life as a blessing because all I know is IT HURTS. I want to trust God but it looks like trusting Him means going along the thorny path alone. I don't know if I can do it. I don't think I am strong enough.
I am going to be honest. I AM SCARED. I just want someone to take me from all of this pain and hold me tight and say, "I'll take care of you." Why is it so hard to find a good man these days?
Back to finding the lesson in this heartbreak, I am at a loss. I have it narrowed down to the following:
- Never trust your feelings again.
- Do not anchor your emotions to another person. That also goes for my future and security.
- Do not be gullible.
- Trust no one.
- I have to exclude everyone in my life to achieve my dreams.
- There is no such thing as a happy ending.
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I found this in my drafts. I'm definitely in a happier place in my life now, being married to a man who thinks of me as his world. Some days I do wonder about this guy who broke my heart especially when he did contact me 2 years ago. But I decided that whatever we had is over and there is no use speaking to him again. So yes, I never responded to his message and blocked him in FB. I am done with drama and I value my peace of mind more.
So yes, dear friends. There is always something better. Just keep strong and hold on to those who show you genuine love.
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